This is Happening?

 Dear Gilgamesh,

 You were rather unexpected, but most definitely a surprise blessing. You see, your dad and I tried for years to start our family without any success. We're talking charting, temperatures, tests, etc. So when you decided to pop up, we were thrilled! And I believe we're still in shock. It just hasn't quite hit yet- well, it did a bit for me last night. But pregnancy hormones are a different post.

My friend Megan keeps a pregnancy blog online and I fell in love with the idea of keeping a journal to track my pregnancy. So thanks, Megan!

Here's the story you should know.

Before your dad and I got married, we decided we were going to wait at least a couple of years to try and get pregnant. That was our plan. We both knew we each wanted kids, but being poor college students, we knew it would be best to wait.

Well, Heavenly Father sure had a different plan for us- one we definitely didn't expect.

Around 6-8 months after we were married, I received a very strong impression it was time to go off of birth control. I ignored the prompt for a bit, thinking I was just getting the typical "baby fever" many women go through after they get married. I casually brought it up to your dad- who then gave me the "you're going crazy" look. So, I dropped it. Some weeks later, I brought it up again to him. Once again, the look and a shrug.

About a week or two later, I came home from work one night. Your dad approached me and told me he too had received inspiration- he was just too scared to face it. But because the prompting was so strong, he couldn't keep it from me anymore. So we went off the pill.

At first it was a "if it happens it happens" attitude- we were fine with it. But, the months seemed to roll on. And on.

A year passed and I decided to visit a doctor after I was a few months late. The doctor told me I hadn't ovulated, I wasn't pregnant, and that I was too fat to get pregnant and needed to stop obsessing over babies. Being mad was an understatement. Listen, we didn't exactly have health insurance at the time- we were still working 4 jobs between us and your dad was still in college. Was I fat? I was. I had put on a lot of weight after high school and was struggling with my weight, struggling to stay awake during the day, and was losing my hair. 

More heartache kept slamming along the next year- my best friend at the time had gotten pregnant without trying shortly after she married. I was jealous and angry and our friendship eventually had a falling out as our lives were going in different directions. There was a little more to it, but that drama is in the past and done with.

I was getting sicker by the day. I couldn't stay up past 8pm, I started losing feeling in parts of my body, and ovulation had basically stopped altogether. I probably ovulated once every few to six months.

Finally, your dad graduated college, we moved out of the city, and got new, real health insurance through his company. I saw a new doctor 6 months later who diagnosed me with autoimmune thyroid disease, called Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. That explained a lot of my symptoms. Within months, the weight started dropping off and I got energy again to bring out my inner athlete I was in high school.

However, pregnancy still wasn't happening. I was charting, taking my basal body temperature every morning, taking ovulation tests (which were never ever positive), and joining online support groups. Eventually it all became too tiring to keep up with and we went back to the "if it happens it happens" phase.

There are phases to infertility, there really are. First, the anxiety and excitement at the idea of starting. Then there's a little bit of disappointment when it doesn't happen right away- but the excitement is still there. Then the emotions start kicking in. Crying, anger, jealousy, pain, suffering. And, after a period of time, it becomes numbing. No more crying, no more anger, just numbness. A negative pregnancy test is just another negative that gets tossed in the trash. Hopelessness sets in. You stop caring.

Acceptance does eventually come along, and it did for me. I remember when we were in year 2 or 3 of trying, we had a temple trip. I had prayed in the temple before, but had never received much of an answer. This time I received this prompting: You have a long journey still ahead of you. Be strong. It's not over yet.

Not exactly my favorite prompting, so I cried and prayed for peace. It took some time, but eventually the acceptance and peace came.

Four- four and a half years from the start, I became okay with it. I accepted it. I wasn't jealous anymore. A burden had been lifted from my shoulders and I felt complete peace. Then everything changed.  I made the decision to go back on birth control and brought it up to your dad, who also agreed. We decided we had other priorities, like our marriage, our health, my weight, and secure finances, though he had a good job. So, we did it.

I lost 130 lbs., was featured on live national television, became a role model to those struggling with weight, and became completely healthy. Your dad moved up in his career and I did as well. Our marriage became rock solid- we have never been so happy before.  We came together for everything and became unstoppable. We learned so much about each other and life was great. Your dad also began the process of getting much healthier. He didn't have too much weight to lose, but he got himself a personal trainer and changed his habits as well.

Fast forward to about 2 years later. The inspiration to go off of the pill came again. Your dad felt it before I did this time and brought it to me. I thought about it for some weeks before agreeing. Why the wait? I guess I wasn't ready to face that world again. But after praying, we did it. 

And you happened. Our miracle happened.