Worries Are Gone

Gilgamesh,

First of all, your dad came up with that pregnancy name. He just randomly started calling you that name and I went along with it. No worries, it's not going to be your actual name :)

This has by far been the scariest thing I've never gone through. It's definitely been an emotional roller coaster. I'm not as enthused as I thought I would be because I feel so stinkin' miserable. The morning sickness has gotten much worse (yet thankfully my throwing up is pretty minor- I'm pretty good at controlling it), I'm TIRED like crazy, and I just want to curl up and not move sometimes because I feel so blah. Plus, I don't appreciate my digestive system acting the way it is.

Your dad decided to reach out to some of his close family members to help give me support during this worrisome journey, followed by another blessing he gave me so I could have peace. I wasn't really comfortable at first with him contacting family about the details of my worries, but when they offered comfort and told me they put my name on the prayer roll in the temple, it most definitely brought me peace. I finally made the decision to leave it all in the Lord's hands and to stop worrying about everything! And I feel so much better because of it. So, how did you scare me exactly?

First, the spotting. Okay, so it's a common thing! I called my doctor and he ran blood tests- all came back perfectly fine. My HCG has been doubling faster than the norm (but not too quickly). Instead of 48-72 hours, it was doubling about every 24 hours. Then, once it got past 6000, it started doubling every 72 hours instead of 96 or higher.

Second, I went in for my ultrasound- my HCG was around 23,000. And...there was nothing but a yolk sac. From everything I had read, there should have at least been something there with those HCG levels that high. My doctor, who assured me I was probably a week earlier than I thought, told me as long as my HCG kept doubling, there was nothing to worry about. So, he ordered me 2 more blood tests. The first one showed my HCG doubled in 72 hours (compared to 96 on average), but the second one was a significant slow-down. It went from doubling every 72 hours to every 166 hours. THAT I didn't like. I told your dad and did a little research that showed it slowing down like that is normal. Many doctors stop testing after 20,000 because the results can be inconclusive. So it suddenly slowing down isn't necessarily a bad thing.

All we do now is wait for the 2nd ultrasound which is scheduled on the 7th of October. Your dad is taking the morning off to be a part of it. From there we can really see what's going on. Until then, there's no need to worry about a thing! The Lord has this. My symptoms are very much real and increasing, and the spirit has been telling me everything is fine. So I've decided it's not up to me, nothing I can do can change anything, and I need to let Heavenly Father take care of it.

Speaking of symptoms, nothing special has jumped out just yet. I avoid sweets because the thought makes me sick, and I crave red meat (burgers specifically) often. I'm normally a chicken person, but nope- red meat like beef and bison sound amazing. And just the other day, I decided ice cream was the only thing I wanted. Of course I don't want diabetes (I had an early glucose test that showed my levels are on the low- almost too low side), but ICE CREAM. Come on. It's easy to digest, solves world problems, and it's ice cream. But anyway, I'm not going to get carried away with it. I only bought a little and shared it with your dad. I'd like to keep those glucose levels low. Besides that, anything that is food related makes me want to throw up. I've been having protein shakes in the morning because it's the only thing I can manage to put into my body. I know eating helps with morning sickness, but it's hard to force yourself to do so when you feel like garbage. I've been fighting to meet my calorie goals, though I've lost about 6 lbs. Probably because the sweet tooth is gone :) .

Anyway, that's it little one! Looking forward to seeing you on the ultrasound!

Update

You really are a blessing, my little warrior! My levels increased significantly, putting me at over 6000- meaning my levels have been doubling every 24 hours or so! That's fast! There was a joke about you having a sibling in there, but you might just be a big, healthy baby.

Heavenly Father continues to bless our family everyday! I just got off the phone with my doctor, who told me I have an "excellent pregnancy" and have nothing to worry about. He said the spotting is common, and as long as my levels are rising, all should be just fine. He's going to go ahead and give me an ultrasound a week earlier than planned. I am THRILLED! I may even hear a little heartbeat in there. Your dad can't make this appointment, but he'll make the next one, the "true" heartbeat one. Can't wait until I can hear you!

Keep Fighting

My Little Miracle,

I ask that you keep fighting, little one. I had some pretty scary symptoms and lack of symptoms today which even concerned my doctor, so he brought me in to take some blood tests to make sure all is well. Along with some uncomfortable pains in my abdomen, I started spotting today. I also discovered my pregnancy hormone was a bit low. My morning sickness has also ceased to exist. I will find out tomorrow morning where this is leading.

I'm scheduled for my first prenatal on the 24th- but it's a 2 hour glucose/blood test with some sort of health education class. No ultrasound is scheduled until the 7th of October. However, I've been putting on a "worry show" which may get me my ultrasound sooner.

Prayers, prayers, and lots more prayers! Hang in there.

Reminders

Dear Growing One,

You sure like give me reminders you're there and developing! Not that I forget, of course.

I started getting nausea pretty early on, making me not want to eat. I lost 5 pounds! Sunday was a good day for the most part, and I ate, well, a lot. You had to remind me that evening as the nausea hit like nobody's business though. The nausea has typically been pretty mild with no throwing up- certain foods and smells set me off. However, today is when the real journey began.

I was riding the school bus this morning as part of my job, and boy was I miserable! I ended up throwing up twice (luckily after we arrived at the school and I made it to a bathroom) during my work hours. I felt fine during the afternoon, then it struck again this evening. And as bad as I'm sure it's going to get, it's comforting at the same time because I know this is a good thing! It means you're growing, my pregnancy hormones are increasing, and you're protecting me from eating things I shouldn't! It's good to know all is well in there- so thank you!

Another symptom which has hit me like nobody's business is fatigue. Oh, my. I slept in during the weekend and still took naps during the day. When I was working Thursday night for my other job (I left all cases but one, which is once per week at night), I actually fell asleep after I put the kid to bed. The home was too cozy and I couldn't help myself. I woke up before the parents came home, but goodness I was out of it. I had to walk around the house to keep myself awake so I could drive home safe.

I also almost fell asleep during my lunch break at work today. The teacher's lounge has some big couches and I got a little too comfortable. I came home and took a nap. I think it's time I hit the gym for some exercise after this post.

Besides that, I have all the other basic symptoms. My ladies are growing and sore (I think I grew a size just overnight), I still have mild aches in my abdomen, and my mood swings are very much real. I had a mixture of laughing and crying the other day. Your dad reminded me I forgot to put his water bottle back into his gym bag after I washed it, and I broke down crying- which is something that only crazy, hormonal women cry about. He was at work, so he didn't see me. My crying then turned into more crying because I realized it was hormones, which reminded me I have a little thing growing inside of me, which made me feel blessed and scared all at the same time. It was weird. Seriously. Your dad has only caught me once crying at something small and stupid (like ironing his shirts last night- I was trying to make it perfect and he stepped in to help me and I cried because I felt I couldn't iron shirts right). Then I was crying as I was apologizing for crying over something that dumb. He just set everything down and hugged me. I told him this morning I was going to do my best to keep things together hormonal-wise so I wouldn't stress or scare him, lol. Such a good man.

Anyway, I've already grown attached to you! Your dad and I went over several names on Sunday, so we may be set on some things. But we'll see. 

A Daddy's Blessing

Gilgamesh,

You have been making me slightly insane. Every twinge, every symptom, every lack of symptom has spiraled me into worrying. The nausea comes and goes. Sometimes I'm sick and don't want a thing to do with food, while other times I'm ravenous, but all I crave is a big, juicy burger while everything else looks like garbage. The cramps you're giving me aren't helping much either.

I know, these are normal symptoms. These are good signs. I get it. But I still can't help but worry sometimes. Most of the time I feel like this is all one big dream and I'll wake up and it will be over. I'll often go to the bathroom half expecting it to be over and my reality crushed. Bad Mom, I know.

Last night, I was in worry-mode again while browsing and reading things online. Your dad caught me doing this, turned my chair around, took both of my hands, and told me to stop. He used comforting words to convince me everything is okay, then made me promise to stop reading negative things. Then, he offered to give me a blessing to give me peace.

So, he did. And of course I cried. But it was comforting and just what I needed. Thank goodness I chose this man to be my husband and your dad. He told me at one point he wishes his dad were here to see the baby- but then decided he's already met you. You two could be hanging out right now for all we know.

This makes me especially grateful for the gospel and the peace it brings into our home. Like your dad told me, Heavenly Father has everything planned out for us and I need to stop worrying and trust Him. So I need to chill on the worrying and do just that.

Can't wait to meet you, little one.

HCG Levels

Dear Little One (You're still Gilgamesh),

I just received my HCG lab results, which read 204- a little low for 5 weeks. However, they'd still be considered "normal" for 5 weeks. However, I'm going to put you closer to 4 weeks. I'm going to retest in a couple of days and pray those numbers double or triple.

You see, it's completely possible to receive a positive ovulation test and not actually ovulate. All the signs and symptoms were there, but positive just means you're prepping for ovulation- and it can be delayed.

About a week after the positive, I received other signs of ovulation. I was confused and thought maybe THAT's when I ovulated. A couple of days later, PMS kicked in. A week later, I had light spotting, but it was only for a day and it only happened maybe once or twice. Let's not forget my first positive pregnancy test on Monday evening was faint. Not super faint, but not super bold either. It was still pretty obvious I ovulated.

So, it's completely possible I ovulated close to a week later than I thought. But, it's only a first number. We'll see what the next one brings. Until then, I'm not going to stress about it.

Your "Arrival" Story

Dear Gilgamesh,

So, now you’re probably curious about how you actually came to be. Well, you know how you came to be, but this is when and how we discovered I was pregnant with you.

As you know from the previous entry, your dad and I made the big decision to go off of birth control and try again. So, we did. Shortly after, I went to my first appointment with my new OB/GYN, Dr. Ramamohan Rao, for a regular routine pap. I mentioned to him I had just gone off the pill and was ready to start a family. I also included my history of attempting to conceive and my history of anovulation.

He gave me my regular exam, and then all of a sudden pulled out the ultrasound wand. “You mentioned earlier you want to start a family. Let me make sure everything is good in there.” So, he inspected me. Perfect, he said. He printed out a photocopy of my uterus and reproductive organs, then gave me a blood test to see how everything else looked. Again, everything came back great. After answering a few more of my questions, and I was leaving, he said, “See you when you’re pregnant!” Let’s just say I loved this doctor and how involved he was with everything. He took his time, didn’t rush, and was completely involved. So, I decided to choose him as the doctor for both you and me.

One thing he did, was give me advice on vitamins, foods, and recommended I start tracking my ovulation. Now, I had started taking folic acid and other vitamins including extra calcium, vitamin D, and a multi, weeks before I went off the pill- just to get everything ready to go. I wasn’t sure I wanted to track ovulation because there was no luck in the past, but I decided to anyway.

A couple of weeks later, I felt a twinge in my left ovary. Since I’ve become an expert at reading my body, I knew it was ovulation on the way. A couple of days later, I took an ovulation test. Positive! My first positive! I was thrilled and excited. Most women don’t get this way, but after years of trying and tracking my ovulation, I had never once received a positive before. So yes, I was happy my body was participating.

Fast forward to about a week later. Sore breasts, fatigue, mood swings- typical PMS. My first thought actually was PMS, mostly because the idea of me being pregnant was long gone.

My cycle never showed up and I took a test. Negative. I took a test again a couple of days later. Again, negative. Just what I was expecting. My PMS symptoms were still present, so I assumed, due to the new job, I was just late because of stress. Your dad told me to give it another week or so for my period to show up or I’d see a doctor. Plus, it can take a few months after going off of birth control for cycles to regulate.

The weekend passes, and Monday afternoon/evening, I’m on my way home from work. I stopped at a Walmart down the street to pick up a few things. I glanced over the pregnancy tests, not really tempted to buy one. Heck, I was late and already tested negative, so why waste money? However, a feeling washed over me I had never felt before, and I found myself tossing the box into my cart.

I went home, unloaded the groceries, and then decided to get the test over with. After I did my business and set the test on the toilet, I stood up to wash my hands. Out of habit, I grabbed the test first, gave it a glance, and got ready to toss it. The test was still glazing over in the process, the control line making its way onto the front.

And then it was there, about 15-30 seconds after I had taken the test. It appeared. A good, solid blue line.

I was in disbelief. I was in shock. I couldn’t react right away because my brain didn’t know how to process it. And then there was the “holy crap” that slipped out of my mouth. “Holy…oh my gosh, I…crap…I’M PREGANT!” The panic attack began as I ran out of the bathroom- to the cats, might I add- and paced around the kitchen. I went back and rechecked it. Still there. Came back out, paced some more, muttered a few shocked phrases, then went back in there. Yup, there was the line.

Then I went crazy. I screamed, I jumped on the bed, and I’m sure I threw a cat at one point. Crazy lady is an understatement.

Once I gathered myself together and actually washed my hands this time, I started thinking of ways to tell your dad.

While browsing online for ideas, I came across a site that mentioned the horrors of blue dye pregnancy tests. Apparently they’re notorious for giving false positives. My attention suddenly jumped to that topic. Webpages upon webpages of women getting false positives with blue dyes- women protesting to ban blue dye pregnancy tests because of the false hope- especially the Equate Walmart brand. My heart sank.

The only way to confirm? Take a pink dye test- they never fail.

I got my shoes on and ran over to Target. I bought a pink dye test, which actually came with a digital test.

I tested with pink dye in anticipation. And there it was again, almost instantly, a second line. I sighed of relief.

I booted up your father’s computer (we each have our own), changed his wallpaper to say: "You're Going to be a Daddy". 

Then turned off the computer and waited for him to get home.

When he did get home, he turned on the computer, but didn’t turn on the monitor. Instead, he got his dinner and sat on the couch. “We have this show to catch up on. Come on.”


There I sat, for an hour through this show, dying- I mean, dying to tell him. Finally the show ended, he walked around a bit, cleaned up his dinner plate, then sat on the computer and finally turned on that darn monitor.

It popped up. Silence. Then “Wait…WHAT?” I just came up behind him and said “congratulations.” He asked, “Are you serious? I mean, really? What? Is this real?” I could only laugh at his expression as he nearly fell out of his chair. Then, without another word, he stood up and hugged me for a long time. “Congratulations. We did it.”

This is Happening?

 Dear Gilgamesh,

 You were rather unexpected, but most definitely a surprise blessing. You see, your dad and I tried for years to start our family without any success. We're talking charting, temperatures, tests, etc. So when you decided to pop up, we were thrilled! And I believe we're still in shock. It just hasn't quite hit yet- well, it did a bit for me last night. But pregnancy hormones are a different post.

My friend Megan keeps a pregnancy blog online and I fell in love with the idea of keeping a journal to track my pregnancy. So thanks, Megan!

Here's the story you should know.

Before your dad and I got married, we decided we were going to wait at least a couple of years to try and get pregnant. That was our plan. We both knew we each wanted kids, but being poor college students, we knew it would be best to wait.

Well, Heavenly Father sure had a different plan for us- one we definitely didn't expect.

Around 6-8 months after we were married, I received a very strong impression it was time to go off of birth control. I ignored the prompt for a bit, thinking I was just getting the typical "baby fever" many women go through after they get married. I casually brought it up to your dad- who then gave me the "you're going crazy" look. So, I dropped it. Some weeks later, I brought it up again to him. Once again, the look and a shrug.

About a week or two later, I came home from work one night. Your dad approached me and told me he too had received inspiration- he was just too scared to face it. But because the prompting was so strong, he couldn't keep it from me anymore. So we went off the pill.

At first it was a "if it happens it happens" attitude- we were fine with it. But, the months seemed to roll on. And on.

A year passed and I decided to visit a doctor after I was a few months late. The doctor told me I hadn't ovulated, I wasn't pregnant, and that I was too fat to get pregnant and needed to stop obsessing over babies. Being mad was an understatement. Listen, we didn't exactly have health insurance at the time- we were still working 4 jobs between us and your dad was still in college. Was I fat? I was. I had put on a lot of weight after high school and was struggling with my weight, struggling to stay awake during the day, and was losing my hair. 

More heartache kept slamming along the next year- my best friend at the time had gotten pregnant without trying shortly after she married. I was jealous and angry and our friendship eventually had a falling out as our lives were going in different directions. There was a little more to it, but that drama is in the past and done with.

I was getting sicker by the day. I couldn't stay up past 8pm, I started losing feeling in parts of my body, and ovulation had basically stopped altogether. I probably ovulated once every few to six months.

Finally, your dad graduated college, we moved out of the city, and got new, real health insurance through his company. I saw a new doctor 6 months later who diagnosed me with autoimmune thyroid disease, called Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. That explained a lot of my symptoms. Within months, the weight started dropping off and I got energy again to bring out my inner athlete I was in high school.

However, pregnancy still wasn't happening. I was charting, taking my basal body temperature every morning, taking ovulation tests (which were never ever positive), and joining online support groups. Eventually it all became too tiring to keep up with and we went back to the "if it happens it happens" phase.

There are phases to infertility, there really are. First, the anxiety and excitement at the idea of starting. Then there's a little bit of disappointment when it doesn't happen right away- but the excitement is still there. Then the emotions start kicking in. Crying, anger, jealousy, pain, suffering. And, after a period of time, it becomes numbing. No more crying, no more anger, just numbness. A negative pregnancy test is just another negative that gets tossed in the trash. Hopelessness sets in. You stop caring.

Acceptance does eventually come along, and it did for me. I remember when we were in year 2 or 3 of trying, we had a temple trip. I had prayed in the temple before, but had never received much of an answer. This time I received this prompting: You have a long journey still ahead of you. Be strong. It's not over yet.

Not exactly my favorite prompting, so I cried and prayed for peace. It took some time, but eventually the acceptance and peace came.

Four- four and a half years from the start, I became okay with it. I accepted it. I wasn't jealous anymore. A burden had been lifted from my shoulders and I felt complete peace. Then everything changed.  I made the decision to go back on birth control and brought it up to your dad, who also agreed. We decided we had other priorities, like our marriage, our health, my weight, and secure finances, though he had a good job. So, we did it.

I lost 130 lbs., was featured on live national television, became a role model to those struggling with weight, and became completely healthy. Your dad moved up in his career and I did as well. Our marriage became rock solid- we have never been so happy before.  We came together for everything and became unstoppable. We learned so much about each other and life was great. Your dad also began the process of getting much healthier. He didn't have too much weight to lose, but he got himself a personal trainer and changed his habits as well.

Fast forward to about 2 years later. The inspiration to go off of the pill came again. Your dad felt it before I did this time and brought it to me. I thought about it for some weeks before agreeing. Why the wait? I guess I wasn't ready to face that world again. But after praying, we did it. 

And you happened. Our miracle happened.